


But You Didn't

by emmaclaire



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, M/M, Sad Zayn, Sweet Liam, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 11:56:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3728008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmaclaire/pseuds/emmaclaire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn writes Liam when he's sad</p>
            </blockquote>





	But You Didn't

**Author's Note:**

> Based off the Chinese poem "But You Didn't" where a woman's husband leaves for Vietnam.
> 
> original poem can be found here [[x]](https://www.chinasmack.com/but-you-didnt-poem-translated-illustrated-by-chinese-netizen)
> 
> tumblr artist jaesama's beautiful ziam version here [[x]](http://jaegyoo.tumblr.com/post/113896320814/inspired-by-this-chinese-poemcomic-x-the)
> 
> warning: both poems contain spoilers

I remember when you came home late that day in March. It was snowing and the weather app kept sending warnings to my phone about the slippery roads and unsafe conditions. I was so worried about you. I texted you but you didn’t respond and I know you aren’t the best at checking your messages so I tried very hard to let it all be. You opened the apartment door and I ambushed you. I jumped into your arms and wrapped my legs around your waist and kissed you while whispering how worried I was. You weren’t even fully in the room, the door still open with one foot in the hallway but you still caught me. You let out a quiet laugh and told me you were sorry you were late. Then you put me back down on the floor and pulled an iPhone 5 out of your back pocket, explaining that you went out to buy it after you slipped on the icy sidewalks and dropped your old iPhone 3 and it shattered. It made sense to me but the worry I had felt still hadn’t completely dissipated. We ate dinner together and watched Kill Bill then fell asleep on the couch. 

A few days later we were getting ready for class and you left your phone on the bathroom counter top while you showered. It was playing a Kanye West song and you were singing along while I was brushing my teeth. I was laughing at how your singing voice sounded in the morning and my arm slipped were it was holding onto the edge of the sink, knocking your phone into the basin under about 3 inches of water. The song cut off and the screen flickered white then went dark. I dropped my toothbrush on the floor and pulled he phone out of the water as quickly as I could but knew there was no use. You called out my name and asked why the song stopped but all I was doing was wrapping your phone in the material of my shirt and crying. Your head poked around the shower curtain and you saw me crying with your phone gripped in my fist. You put the pieces together and in the blink of an eye were out of the shower wrapping a towel around your waist and hugging me to your chest. I had begun apologizing but you just shushed me and didn’t stop hugging me and kissing my hair.

I thought you’d get mad at me for breaking your new phone, but you didn’t.

~

You had that shirt you always wore, it’s red and it’s plaid and you wore it almost every week. I think your dad bought it for you two Christmases ago. You took extra good care of that shirt and never let anyone borrow it. 

I remember it was April, and the art department was having a showing at the end of the month. The theme was spring and I volunteered to spray paint a statue. It was Friday and I stayed after class to work on it. You decided to surprise me at the studio with McDonald’s dinner. I had headphones in and wasn’t expecting anyone in the studio since classes were over for the day, and the only person left in the building other than myself was the security guard. I was softly singing along to Beyoncé when you snuck up on me and tickled my sides. I whirled around, finger had already been poised on the spray bottle, and in a slight panic pressed down. You were wearing the shirt, now covered in bright green paint. We both fell into a tense silence, my headphones still in my ears, still playing Irreplaceable. Neither of us moved for a full minute. I was staring at your shirt, arm still raised, can still pointing in your direction. You had your arms up, ready to shield your face, now also covered in paint. I broke down first, dropping the can at my feet and ripping my headphones out. I immediately starting crying, knowing that was your favorite shirt, and knowing I had just ruined it. I started apologizing but you wrapped me in your arms and told me it was okay, you knew it was an accident. We went home after that, my project left for another day. You changed out of your shirt and left in the bathtub soaking in detergent heavy water then made us both hot chocolate. We drank it together in the bedroom and we laughed about my scared face and my song selection. You never yelled or even brought up the shirt for the rest of the night. 

The paint didn’t end up ever coming off, you even brought it to a dry cleaners.

I thought you’d get mad, but you didn’t.

~

The last final exam you were ever going to take in your entire life was for something business related. I remember you were really stressed out about it, crying over the text book the night before when you thought I was asleep. I got up to comfort you, but you played it down and acted like you were fine. I stayed up anyway and made us tea and took your text book away and we talked about other things. We eventually fell asleep tangled together in the living room, far away from the alarm clock.

I woke up the next morning with you drooling into my hair, and the faint sound of both of our phones ringing from the bedroom. I bolted upright, causing you to fall off the couch. You woke up and wiped at your eyes but I was already in the bedroom, pulling your phone off the charger and reading all the texts from Niall. ‘bro u ready 4 that test today ?’ ‘do u want me to pick u up a coffee ?’ ‘r u up yet, ur gonna b late’ ‘where r u the exam starts in 10 minutes’ I ran back into the living room, you still on the floor in your boxers and a tank top, handing you the phone and trembling. You saw the time and bounced up, mumbling that you were going to have to rush to campus and maybe only be a minute or two late. You left after pulling on basketball shorts and a hoodie, not saying bye to me.

I sat in the bedroom and texted Louis how I thought the entire things was my fault and if it wasn’t for me you would have been back in the bedroom after studying and been by your alarm to wake up at the proper time. I thought you hated me since you hadn’t said goodbye and I had made you late. I knew most teachers would not let anyone into an exam late, and if that was the case you wouldn’t have been let in and would most likely receive a 0 for the exam. I thought you were going to leave me and never talk to me again so I ended up wrapping my self up in our duvet and crying into your pillow. 

When you came home 2 hours later I had fallen asleep, and you jostled me awake with a slight shaking of my shoulder and a kiss to my cheek. You told me that you think you did well on your exam, and that you didn’t get marked down for being late. You noticed the dried tear tracks on my cheeks and asked me why I had been crying. I told you I was afraid you were going to leave me over this but you told me I was just being irrational. Then you thanked me for being there for you the night before.

I thought you’d hate me, but you didn’t.

~

It was the middle of July when Louis had finally asked his girlfriend of 5 years to marry him. He invited the two of us out for drinks that very night, a party to celebrate at one of the city’s many clubs. You told me not to drink too much, that it always caught up with me way too fast and I’d end up face down on the bar before the end of the night.

The club was already filled with people by the time the two of us arrived. Music was pouring into the street from the roped off front door with two big muscular bouncers on either side of it. We got to go to skip the line and go straight in, Louis already putting our names on a list for the part of the club he rented. You reminded me again not to drink too much and I nodded along as you held my hand and guided me to the back of the club, near the bar. Louis bought us all a round of shots, all rainbow-y and fruit flavored per Harry’s request. I drank mine in one go and then ran off to the bar and got us both a captain and coke. Throughout the night Louis bought us more drinks and I danced with all the boys and you made sure no one got into any trouble. 

You finally agreed to dance with me after making sure Harry wasn’t going to trip and fall into a group of unsuspecting girls. We grinded to a song by the Weeknd and then laughed when someone bumped into me and made us both lose our balance. You picked me up off the floor and got us back to the table only to find the lads laughing in our direction, obviously having witnessed the mighty fall.

The night continued on with more shots and drinks, and I still don’t remember how the night ended. I didn’t listen to you and ended up blacking out. Louis told me later on that you carried me home, and I was slurring incoherent words together, something about loving how you always took care of me.

I woke up the next morning and felt like there were bowling balls rolling around my skull. You had set a glass of water on the bedside table along with a bottle of pain killers. I expected you to be mad and scold me for drinking so much. I walked into the living room and you were sat on the couch, book propped against your knees with reruns of Ru Paul’s Drag Race playing for soft background noise. You smiled at me and patted the cushion next to you, and we watched men with wigs and make up on scream and scratch at each other for the remainder of the day.

You didn’t bring up much from the night before, only saying you had fun with all the boys and hope we can all do it again soon. You didn’t bring up the alcohol induced fall or the fact you found me exactly where you warned me I’d end up: face down on the glass surface of the bar. 

I thought you’d say “I told you so,” but you didn’t.

~

There were a lot of things you didn’t do. You never yelled at me, never told me off, never insulted me, never put me down. You never said you knew what was best for me, always let me be myself. You always supported me and never tried to talk me out of things. 

You also never left me, until it was out of your control. Then you never came back.

~

You put up with me. All my short comings, all my flaws, all my accidents, all my problems. You put up with all of me and never once left me for it. I don’t know how you never managed to flip out on me. All those times I spilled things or dropped things you always kept your cool and never took out your anger on me. You let me get away with a lot. I never had to put up with you, I actually loved every second we ever shared together. You were the only person I ever really needed, and now that you’re gone I don’t know how to live.

I’m mad at you for leaving but I know that’s not ever going to bring you back.

~

I was never sure of love from anyone. I never knew for sure if it even existed or if people were just crazy and wanted to believe in something. Divorce was everywhere, it seemed as if no one was safe. Up to 50% of marriages end in divorce. How can love exist when the statistic is so high?

I experienced hatred almost everyday over things I could never control. I had hateful things shouted at me on the street, on the internet, in classrooms, at parties. If it wasn’t for my skin it was my sexuality. How can love exist when there’s hate ever present?

You changed this for me. You were the first person I was 100% sure loved me. I felt your love in your actions, your words, your kisses, your touches. I knew you loved me beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I loved you back, wholeheartedly. 

You protected me from all the bad parts of the world. You may not understand racism, but you still fought it. You would call people out on their rude comments that I had just learned to deal with, and sometimes they would stop being your friend, but that didn’t matter to you. Whenever I asked you always told me it was no big deal and that I was more important. 

You did understand homophobia. You had been dealing with it since you were a scared 14 year old starting year ten. You dealt with it much better than I ever did, and you always put my feelings before your own. Whenever assholes called us out, you always took the blame. 

I never had the opportunity to properly thank you for all you did for my sake.

Thanks.

~

For all the things I messed up and I ruined, I wanted to make it up to you. I didn’t know what to do, hadn’t a clue, but I still wanted to show you I appreciated all the things you have ever done for me. You had to go to New York, something to do with the business degree you had received the previous May. When you explained it to me there were a lot of big words that quickly flew over my head, but I just smiled and let you talk. Then you left.

It had been almost a week. It was 2am and I was still awake, surrounded by things that reminded me of you. All your text books lined up in a row on the bookshelf, two of your snap backs hanging off the posts of the foot board, your blue and green bathrobe hanging from the hook on the back of our bedroom door. You were everywhere except where I needed you. 

I texted you, saying I missed you, asking when you would be home, but I never got a proper response. 

The paramedics found you with your phone still gripped in your hand, my text message pulled up. They said the screen was shattered, but they could still see the text you were about to send. 

‘Soon baby, I promise. Xx’ 

There were a lot of things I wanted to make up to you when you returned to London

but you didn’t.

~

The driver that hit you was never caught. Your mother cried throughout your funeral, your father as well. Louis canceled his wedding. Your sisters hugged me and cried. The casket was closed the entire time, the crash leaving half your skull on the pavement, so I never got to touch you ever again. The last time I kissed you was at the airport, and you told me you would be back before I knew it. I still think about that, because you came back sooner than you were supposed to, but instead of coming back in tired spirits, you came back in a 7 by 3 pine box.

They say you died instantly. You were dead before your skull even cracked the pavement. I still think it was my fault. Everyone has told me it wasn’t, and usually you would be here to reassure me it wasn’t my fault, but now your not, all because I sent some bloody text message at 2 in the morning because I missed you. You read it and weren’t paying attention to the traffic and got hit by that truck. Now I’m alive and mourning your life almost a year later and you’re still dead. 

I haven’t talk to any of your family since the funeral since I blame myself for the loss of their only son, only brother. I haven’t seen the lads in a few weeks. I got a job that lets me work from the house. Putting that Art major and English minor to use, writing small articles for an art critic’s magazine. Sometimes I don’t leave the flat for days, weeks even. There’s this therapist that comes around to ours, she’s nice to me and never pushes my boundaries. She says that my grief is normal. She suggested writing this to you. It’s supposed to help me with all that I’m feeling, but to be honest, I don’t really feel anything anymore.

What I’m writing actually sort of feels like wedding vows. If only.

~

I haven’t slept in our bedroom since that night, I haven’t moved any of your stuff either. I go through your closet sometimes and rub the fabric on my face, smell it. It’s a bit strange, but when I get a whiff of your aftershave lingering in the fabric I’m reminded that you weren’t just some dream. You existed and you loved me. 

After I received the call all those nights ago, you wouldn’t believe it, but I wore that shirt, the one with all the green spray paint on it. You kept it even though you couldn’t wear it anymore. It sat on the floor of our wardrobe. I wore that shirt everyday until your funeral, then I gave it to your parents and asked them to put in your casket.

I feel like it’s what you would have wanted.

~

I still miss you everyday, and I know that missing you isn’t going to bring you back, but I can’t help it. I lost more than just my lover that day. I lost my best friend, my protector, my human teddy bear. I lost my will to live, my reason to love every moment of everyday. I lost you, and you were everything to me.

~

The hardest part was watching your casket get lowered into the earth. You were put in the grave intended to be your father’s. It was raining, pouring actually. Even the heavens were crying, with the death of an angel and all.

I got to throw the first hand full of dirt, it was muddy and staining the fancy suit jacket I was wearing but I didn’t care. Louis, Harry, and Niall were all there with me. They all rubbed my back, Harry holding my umbrella above me as I said my last parting words. I dropped a bouquet of lilies into the six foot deep hole, watched them get pelted with rain, the petals sagging under the pressure. I never did drop my handful of dirt, I don’t remember what I did with it.

Louis took me back to London the next day, I haven’t seen the lads much since. People still ask about you, and it’s hard to tell them that you aren’t here anymore, so sometimes I lie and say we broke up, or you moved for work. You live in Singapore now, I heard it’s nice this time of year, maybe you should send home a postcard.

~

The therapist suggested I get a dog, so I did. He’s small and fluffy and black and white and I named him Loki. He’s not supposed to get any bigger than he already is. He has no idea that I’m sad, not the slightest clue that this isn’t how normal people are supposed to act. He jumps on my legs and licks my face and yelps happily as if I’m a normal person. If there’s anything that could come close to replacing the love you gave to me, it would come in the form of this dog. He’s encouraged me to do a lot without realizing that he has. I have to go outside and walk him, I have to wake up every morning and feed him, I have to interact with other people when I take him to the park.

I’m convinced this dog is actually you, reincarnated. You always had those big brown puppy dog eyes that got you whatever you wanted. You always made me happy with your little antics. You always stuck by me even when I cried, wiped my tears away, although Loki licks them away instead. You were so cute and cuddly. You always pushed me in the right direction when I was struggling, making me a better person without even trying.

Above all else you made me feel loved. There’s no doubt in my mind that either you or this dog love me, and it feels good to know that. After a year of being with out you, I’m finally becoming a person again.

~

I’ll never love another person like I loved you. You were my one and only and I’m sorry our story ended so abruptly. I hope and pray that you can somehow read this, in whatever place you ended up. I don’t know which religion has it right, and I won’t know until I die, but whether you’re an angel or the cute puppy pushing at my ankles right now, I just want you to know that I miss you Liam, so much, and I love you.

~

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated <3  
> tumblr: thebeefyvegetarian


End file.
